I’m coming to that point again where I reflect on my life and reconstruct and rebuild what I want for myself. It’s something I know that I do often because I have this fear that I might disappoint God if I ever make the mistake of being selfish in my actions and do something that only I want to do. There are a lot of distractions for me right now and there’s a lot of, “Why am I still tolerating this?” There’s a lot of, why aren’t you a little better, why are you so slow, what excuse are you going to give yourself next?
I’m in the last quarter of being 25 and I don’t know that I’ve done what I’ve wanted to do… It’s disappointing and I’m extremely upset. What makes this slightly more difficult is that I don’t know anyone I can vent about this to, I feel very much alone.
I remember, a few days ago, after work, I drove home crying.
I felt overwhelmed, and as I prayed to God as I do sometimes after work, I couldn’t handle all of the thoughts that were bombarding me. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough… at the same time I felt like I was doing too much. I felt everything I was doing was for someone else, and as I felt myself being pulled in 10 different directions with a hundred different emotions and a thousand thoughts racing, I could not help but feel overwhelmed. I don’t know anymore what I really want. I’m conflicted between the thought of being patient and waiting on God, or pushing through and using the strength God has given me to take initiative in my life…
All I’ve ever wanted was to be a good servant of God… to use the gifts he’s given me to do good… to show His love through the actions I make, and to be what my family needs me to be. For some reason, as hard as I’m working, I don’t think I’m doing a very good job. That… That hurts so much to take in…