When was the last time you took care of you? I have been working on different things in life… this one happens to be a really big thing for me. I am so proud of myself for being good at taking care of things, taking care of people, and anticipating problems before they even happen. I do it as a nurse, I definitely do this as a friend, or daughter, or sister, and I do it instinctively. I like that I’m good at it, and a part of me believes that I am a better person for being like this. I never realized that this kind of mindset would be somewhat of a downfall for me. For the past few years, I have experienced a darkness so deep and a despondence so tiring… I don’t like to say that I was scared. But I was. I felt trapped from the way I was feeling. It was a hopelessness that I never wish upon any human being… it was feeling pain and despair while feeling invisible to those you thought cared about you… it was wanting to find help, but also feeling that there wouldn’t be any help out there that…
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My Broken Blanket
In my small group last week, I shared something I don’t usually share with others. Just a while ago, I had to hide a bunch of my old posts. They were the reflective, depressing, conflicted posts that I posted on here once in a while… they were therapeutic in the moment, but they were quite sad when I reread them. They went back as far as the very beginning of this blog site in 2009… I guess I didn’t realize that I was probably having a bunch of problems that were a lot deeper. The past two to three years have been hard for me and this past year was probably the most mentally challenging. So for the first time, I looked for help. Going back to my small group, one of the last questions we discussed was on the notion of letting go and how we know when that is the right time… this entire past year I’ve struggled with maintaining my friendships and trying to open myself and ready myself for potential new relationships… as a result of my own problems, I’ve pushed a lot of people I care about away… at the same time, the people I…
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Emptied
Today. *sigh* I don’t feel like myself lately. I feel like days have been harder than usual and it’s like I’m dragging something everywhere I go. It’s hard to say, but there are times where I struggle to find things to be grateful for. It’s even harder to motivate myself to do anything too. do you know that feeling? it’s like an out of body experience where you are looking down at yourself and you can see everything that you’re doing and everything that you want to change, and yet there’s something that’s blocking you from going back into your body to fix everything you’re seeing. What’s left is the frustration of not being able to change, and at the same time that feeling of ignorance, where you don’t even realize everything that’s going on and everything that you’re feeling. All you feel is empty and hollow, like something inside you is missing. Existential crisis? Part 2? I need to get my hormones checked lol I don’t feel good at all and I don’t know what to do about it all 🙁
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Rest
Yesterday, I got a chance to recharge a little bit. I went to my favorite spot, Wayfarer’s Chapel in Rancho Palos Verdes. Got a little time to think, pray, and clear my mind. Spent a little time thanking God too. I thought I had a good handle on my life lol But the more I wake up each day, the more I realize that there’s more I want to do and the more I want to do, the more stressful it is on me… which translates to being a complete and utter mess! I have always embraced challenges. I know that if I do not struggle, adjust, and overcome, my life would be stagnant. The last thing I want to do is be stagnant or mediocre when I have a God and family who are looking to me to be great. I always want to be growing and learning and working on being the best version of myself, even if it kills me. I’m juggling quite a few things and I feel my patience isn’t the same as it used to be 😛 With people I know, I’m short fused. I find that I am no longer empathetic to the…
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Crossroads
I’m coming to that point again where I reflect on my life and reconstruct and rebuild what I want for myself. It’s something I know that I do often because I have this fear that I might disappoint God if I ever make the mistake of being selfish in my actions and do something that only I want to do. There are a lot of distractions for me right now and there’s a lot of, “Why am I still tolerating this?” There’s a lot of, why aren’t you a little better, why are you so slow, what excuse are you going to give yourself next? I’m in the last quarter of being 25 and I don’t know that I’ve done what I’ve wanted to do… It’s disappointing and I’m extremely upset. What makes this slightly more difficult is that I don’t know anyone I can vent about this to, I feel very much alone. I remember, a few days ago, after work, I drove home crying. I felt overwhelmed, and as I prayed to God as I do sometimes after work, I couldn’t handle all of the thoughts that were bombarding me. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough… at…