This week, I have struggled too much. There is this concept in my mind that I have struggled with ever since becoming a Christian. It is the question, am I good enough? Am I worthy? And if I am, why do I feel the opposite, all the time?
I think the reason this problem is reappearing is due to the fact that I don’t feel good enough with my friends, with my studies, with my family, and especially in my faith. I don’t feel I am worth the attention my friends have given me. I don’t feel that I am working hard enough at school, which is leading me to feel inadequate as a student nurse. I don’t feel that I am giving the proper attention my family needs as I struggle to balance everything that is on my plate right now. And in my faith, despite all of the messages of worth, I still feel unworthy of the love and kindness Jesus Christ has given me. I always feel the need to earn it, even though it has been graciously given, even before I accepted Christ.
This recurring struggle I have made its way into my prayers again. I kept asking for a sign. Some sort of signal that would reignite in me a new attitude that would help carry out God’s mission for me in my life. And guess what this morning’s message was about? Being good enough. I was literally on the verge of tears as Terry spoke about how we always have the need to do something, to earn God’s love, to earn his respect. Because this is my attitude about everything. Work and earn respect. Show compassion and earn love. Be patient and earn the rewards. There is always this concept of needing to do something before getting something. And I feel that in having this belief, I have become so tired, so weary of always trying to be good enough and still never believing that I am. God, he already paid the price. He already made that decision that we, his children, are worth it, that we are good enough. Among the Martha’s and Mary’s, I need to learn to be Mary so that I can experience and share His love better.
This insecurity I have, I think it’s diminishing. There’s still this awkward sadness that I can’t quite control, maybe it’s a feeling of guilt or regret. Nevertheless, I understand that I am good enough, that I am worthy. I hope that instilling this message in my heart will ignite a new paradigm and way of delivering that I never acquired before. I hope that this is the start of something better.