My last post here was in 2020, and if I could recap what happened in the last 5 years, this would probably be a novel. Heartbreak and healing, unlearning old habits, prioritizing myself… these were the themes that flutter through my mind as I get flashbacks of what it was like. Although so much has changed, it simultaneously feels like nothing has changed as well.
To summarize my time at West Coast – it was like one of toxic relationships in the movies. The heroine thinks she can save everyone, but in the process only hurts herself. I was content in making whatever waves I wanted to make in my small-ish department. But when ethics and boundaries are crossed, it takes away a part of you that you can’t get back. I will never regret my time there because I did so much good and built so many great things. But a little part of me does wish that I listened to my intuition sooner so that I wouldn’t get hurt the way that I did in the end.
As far as my role at Cal State? Guess who’s in a leadership(ish) role? The one who said she’d never do it! And while it makes me crazy thinking I’m here right now, this chapter I’m starting here really does feel right. I have different challenges and barriers, I’m needing to talk to so many people. I would joke about it a lot, but I would always say, I’m able to survive my time at West Coast because of how well Cal State helps to fill my cup. So why not just stay there in a more full time role? What the heck took so long?
At the same time, I’ve made the lead towards finishing a terminal degree. Yeah, I know. This next 5 years, I have no idea what it’s going to be like at the end of it. But what I know is that right now, a seed has been planted in my heart and I really want to nurture this next gut feeling about what I’m supposed to do next. I’ve come back to this because I wish I had documented and journaled through all the hardships I went through the last 5 years. And as expected, my mind has already erased some of the more painful thoughts that plagued my mind for so long. I didn’t make time for myself then and I would always wait until I was running on empty before pouring back into myself.