When was the last time you took care of you?
I have been working on different things in life… this one happens to be a really big thing for me. I am so proud of myself for being good at taking care of things, taking care of people, and anticipating problems before they even happen. I do it as a nurse, I definitely do this as a friend, or daughter, or sister, and I do it instinctively. I like that I’m good at it, and a part of me believes that I am a better person for being like this.
I never realized that this kind of mindset would be somewhat of a downfall for me. For the past few years, I have experienced a darkness so deep and a despondence so tiring… I don’t like to say that I was scared. But I was.
I felt trapped from the way I was feeling. It was a hopelessness that I never wish upon any human being… it was feeling pain and despair while feeling invisible to those you thought cared about you… it was wanting to find help, but also feeling that there wouldn’t be any help out there that could save me… Despite everything I thought I had and accomplished, it didn’t seem like it was enough to prove my worth to keep holding on. I kept thinking I could save face by keeping it all together on my own and hoped that one day all the feelings would disappear… I remember the nights I would wish I wouldn’t wake up or the drives home where I wish I’d get into an accident so that by some grace of God, all the pain would finally end. I knew that I was in trouble. So of course, like always, I thought I could fix it myself. When I finally realized it wasn’t working, and was too tired to try waiting long enough to fix it myself, I started taking medication to help me lift the cloud just enough so that I could prepare myself for real change in my life. A few months later, with a little improvement, I started to see a therapist.
All the decisions I consciously made, they were extremely uncomfortable. It involved realizing I couldn’t do things on my own, it involved getting others involved in my flaws, it made me feel so small… I reflect a lot, and I do it because I sometimes think I can be my own therapist… I hate relying on others because a small part of me doesn’t trust anyone with what I feel and a big part of me doesn’t want to burden others with the kinds of thoughts I have…
I’m still seeing a therapist. She’s confirmed a lot of things I’ve already thought before and opened my eyes to a lot of things that need to change. Seeing her has only made me more accountable to start chipping away at the wall I’ve built around me and it’s been cathartic in one sense and terrifying in another… The one great thing I’m thankful for is that I’m learning to truly take care of myself. It’s more than taking solo trips around the world and going out to eat at a new restaurant… it’s learning to value who I am, it’s learning to set boundaries, it’s learning that I don’t have to make myself small to make another person feel bigger. It’s believing that I am worthy and valuable without needing to earn it from anyone…
I am terrified for what this all means… and as a Christian, I feel so much shame for even feeling all of these things because in my mind I know that I have a God and Father that loves me so much, that doesn’t want me to feel all this and wants me to lift all these up to Him. For whatever reason, even with God, I don’t want to burden Him with what I feel.
Self-care is still a struggle for me. And as I redefine what the true meaning of that is, I hope that I can find more peace in life about the decisions I make moving forward and the people I choose to share this all with. I still have my moments of darkness here and there, but I can at least recognize when I need to interrupt those thoughts and have a few good friends to share those moments with.