It’s been quite a while since writing in the blog – I’ve come back here every once in a while, uninspired, fatigued, and drained, hoping to find a burst of energy to put to words the things weighing down my mind. Still not quite there, but today I feel compelled to try.
This year, I turned thirty. I quit my bedside job, I started a full time teaching job and now I’m looking forward to how this next step propels me to the next part of my career. I do want to talk about that a bit, why I left bedside. I know, I love nursing, I love patient care… but I had to take a hard look at myself and I did not want to be a hypocrite. I tell my students, have the self awareness to know when you’re not providing the care your patients deserve – whether it’s from burnout, or compassion fatigue, or boredom – don’t let your patients suffer from your suffering. I had put my foot in so many doors and it completely depleted me having to give my 100% to every area. I probably could have left sooner, but I definitely felt that I was no longer providing the quality care I wanted to deliver and I had lost the motivation to do so.
When COV-19 hit, my unit turned into the primary floor to care for those patients. Everything was being trialed: new drugs, new interventions, new workflows and team dynamics. I would hear of one new change one day, and when I came back two days later, something completely new was being implemented. I consider myself flexible, but I could not handle the stress of the new protocols in place every day on top of the instability of every patient. I was also putting my family at risk by exposing myself to this population and coming home to them every day. Co-workers were getting sick, our floors were short staffed… the signs and the freebies, yeah they were nice, but I can say that in that year, the things that haven’t left my mind are those critical moments with my patients. I remember holding the hand of a COV patient that had already sustained permanent brain injury from the hypoxia – we arranged a FaceTime call with family and they were so upset. They asked me to hold his hand for them. I remember an elderly man, same situation, all meds and interventions were given, and yet there was no improvement – he was end of life and so the son was allowed to come in one last time for goodbyes. We had to prone him while the son was there because the alarms kept beeping. Seeing him cry as we turned his father, who didn’t even wake up, who didn’t wince, who didn’t even move as we made every attempt to make him look comfortable in that position… it’s still painful for me to remember. All the rapid responses and codes that happened, all the times I cared for a patient one day and came back a couple of days later realizing they had passed… the emotional toll that death takes on a person, even indirectly, it was a heavy feeling to process on a day to day basis.
Now that, all that happened in the hospital. There was no way to deny the impact of this disease on our hospitalized patients – we were seeing the disease take away so many people. To go home and see on the news the people denying this, denying our work – it felt like the whole world had spit on us when we had already been brought to our knees. To see people still gather and still risk spreading this… it was the ultimate disrespect to a group of workers who have always given 100% to maintain the health of vulnerable populations – people who care about their work. I am one of the many that have left bedside because I always held this profession to the highest regard (I still really do), but now I can hold an appreciation that I can still be a good nurse even in a non-direct patient care role. I can still make an impact, but in a different way that doesn’t burn me out or deplete me.
In academia – that was a completely different sh*tstorm. All these students needing to transition to online learning – a whole generation that is geared for kinetic learning. If nursing school was already doing a poor job in preparing the nursing workforce pre-covid, this pandemic was pushing back these new grad nurses ten steps. As a simulation instructor, we were doing our best to provide critical thinking type activities to at least get their minds on the right track on how to think like nurses, even if they couldn’t prepare for the hands on skills they needed. As a clinical instructor, I was scrambling to find the hours they would need to finish their course – even if it wasn’t direct patient care experiences. All the while, I felt incompetent and a bit helpless as nothing could really prepare you for a situation like that. I felt that I let down my students in many ways. At the same time, I also felt like the only who could adjust, who could provide good learning activities to help my students. Even though I couldn’t help them all, I did feel like I made strides with the few that I had.
When I made a decision to leave bedside, I felt both shame and relief. Shame, because I thought that I loved this work and would last a bit longer… I thought my strong passion for it would withstand any burnout I would ever feel. But at the same time, I felt relief. Relief because the profession I had given so much of myself to, a profession I’ve engrained a large part of my identity to, would not have a chance to take any more of myself. I feel like I’m being dramatic, but I wholeheartedly have put in so much into this work and I truly love it. But I am coming to terms with the boundaries I need to make to be able to thrive in other parts of my life that I want to grow in. Realistically, I can’t be putting 100% in everything I do, sometimes, I’m going to have to adjust and put my energy into different things. In such a short period of time, I have done so much in my career. I keep mentioning it and I keep saying it, but I don’t think I ever believed it until I was essentially running on empty and had nothing else to give. I don’t have to give any more, I can work on other things.
I feel ready for something new. I want to be putting myself in a completely non-career related path and I don’t want to put my ambitions as a priority like I did in the past.