I was taking a really long walk today. Sometimes, when I wander off alone, I get some kind of clarity. You don’t understand how therapeutic it is for me to just all of a sudden leave my cave, feel the warm sun, and just sit somewhere pretty and just take in simple beauties that I happen to see. It’s just because… I had one of those moments where I overthink, overthink, overthink… and then I panic and overwhelm myself with the endless possibilities I think of.
I’m feeling so pressured right now. And unlike any pressure I felt like before, I can’t seem to get out of this negativity that I’m feeling. So here’s the situation: I’m still waiting for a job. And as each day goes by and as each classmate I have get offers for jobs, I’m here wondering what the heck is wrong with me. I keep going back, looking at my mistakes, thinking of all the things I wish I had done differently… maybe I should have gotten a CNA job, maybe I shouldn’t have taken on so many jobs, maybe I should have been more disciplined, maybe I should have taken more initiative to talk to that manager… and with all these maybe’s hovering around my head, I can’t help but see everything that I’ve done wrong in the past.
I’m having a really hard time being positive. And I’m having a really hard time getting through this pressure alone. Everything that I’m feeling right now, it feels so wrong. In my mind, I know I have to be patient, that I need to trust God, and maybe I should talk to someone (we’ll see about that one). But what I feel, it’s the complete opposite. When I walk around the house, I feel like I’m always carrying something super heavy. When I see my family, I can’t help but feel like I’m letting them down somehow. When I sit down and think about all of this, I feel like crying. But I just can’t get myself to let it out.
I started playing the piano again. It helped me forget for a little bit. I’ve been watering my dad’s orchids too and quite a few of them have been flowering for me. They’re absolutely beautiful too. And then today, I came across one of the letters I wrote to myself a while back that I kept to cheer myself up if I ever needed moral support from myself 😛 These little things, they help me forget for a bit. Despite the immense pressure I’m feeling, I still have faith that everything’s going to work out, that just like all the other times I worried myself, that all that worrying was all for nothing.
When life changes to be more difficult, you must change to be even stronger.