I am a person that likes to run on empty. Growing up, I was the type to keep giving and volunteering and helping. At church, I was always in the kitchen the morning before service prepping for communion, or upstairs in the media booth projecting the slides for worship. At home, I was cleaning the house by myself, doing the laundry and ironing everyone’s clothes. When I was playing basketball, I was the first one to practice, the first one to be ready and warming up, and the last one to leave the court, getting in as many shots as I could before I was kicked off. At school, I was volunteering for everything. I did the work no one wanted to do, I made sure everyone was happy and okay, I made sure everything was running smoothly even if my mind was bouncing off the walls. I’m a giver, a worker, a fixer, a mediator, and almost always, I am overwhelmed, tired, and frustrated.
That is the complex that I have, and as a nurse I’ve realized that a personality like that won’t last long. I’m always giving and giving, and my cup is already always being depleted. Regardless of my emotional and mental reserve, if I see someone in need, even if I have nothing, I’m going to still give what I can. But how do I change that?
So I’ve been wondering about how I can fill this figurative cup up so that I am not depleted as I have been before. And you know what? I realized that the one source of strength that I’ve always pulled from is from my relationship with God. Whenever I’ve been depressed or whenever I couldn’t talk to anyone, I always, always, always prayed. Whether I was just talking to God or asking Him for something, the thought that someone was listening to me, looking after me, and loved me filled me with a sense of security and comfort. It re-energized me and inspired me to be exactly who He wants me to be.
I want my cup to not only be filled by God’s love for me, but I want it to overflow so that instead of giving until I am empty, the love I’ve received can overflow to those around me. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve God’s blessings. A lot of times, I feel like I have to work for his love. I think that’s why I”ve resorted to this “giving on empty” kind of mentality. But the fact that He loves me in spite of my flaws and shortcomings, that He’s still there for me and still cares for me makes me want to be even more obedient and be a better person so I can do what He wants me to do in my life.
I’ve been given a reason to keep pursuing God with the same force I know He’s been seeking me. I want to be better so that I can be a better nurse, daughter, sister, and friend. I can’t do it without God, I’ve always known that. But now, I feel like acting on what I know instead of just waiting for things to happen.