I was thinking about all the relationships/friendships I’ve had over the years. I was thinking of the ones I’ve maintained, the ones I’ve let fall apart, and the ones I’ve purposefully distanced myself from. I keep thinking, how is it that in my whole life, I haven’t been able to keep friends close? Why do I always push them away?? Is it a trust thing? What is it??
First of all, I hate to think that it’s a trust issue. I learned a long time ago that if you don’t trust people, inherently it means that you don’t trust yourself. I learned to think that it’s okay to keep trusting others because if they disappoint you, the one at fault is the one who broke the trust, not you (for the most part). You should never be hard on yourself from trusting others. But it’s just so hard! Who likes to be disappointed? Not me. Who doesn’t feel hurt when certain expectations aren’t met? I’m pretty sensitive. It’s a bit embarrassing. But seriously, even in carrying this mindset, I still feel the need to distance myself from anyone who hurts me, I still struggle to completely forgive and let go, and I still can’t find it in myself to move past whatever “pain” I keep holding on to.
That’s just one factor, but I guess I put up a pretty tough front too. I guess my walls are built even higher as well. I keep thinking, okay, just wait for the one that’s going to stick around long enough to figure out a way to break down your wall or tolerate all the layers of your identity. But Sash-, girl, you are a thorough and meticulous AND stubborn person. Your walls are way too high, you have too many layers. Have some realistic expectations. Give people a break and make it a little easier on them. And to that, I firmly cross my arms and say, uhhhh, no thanks, hahaha.
When I was a bit younger, I always always always said that I would only associate myself with people that would take me higher, that I would maintain relationships/friendships with people who made me better and brought me closer to God. And that’s the kind of person I aim to be for the friends and family I’ve kept close with. I’m always trying to be better for those around me. I have never budged on that mindset and that’s exactly the reason why I’m so quick to let go of some people. If you bring out more of the worst in me than the best of me, I’m filtering you out of my life. If I’m being stagnant in my personality and goals in life and you’re a factor, I’m filtering you out, and I’m not sorry. So step up, or step off.
I’m probably, more than likely being extraordinarily harsh. But I still think I’ m right (see? stubborn :P). And even though it feels crumby to have to let go of certain people or to stop making an effort to maintain friendships, I still stand by my rationale to filter. I know that in the long run, this is better for every party. If I think about it, for the few people who have stuck with me, these are the friendships I cherish the most and because of them, I only reinforce my very unrealistically high expectations. These people do exist in my life, and to them, I’m very thankful.