So Sasha is having one of those existential crises again 😛 It’s cuz it’s night time and I’m only wide awake because I’m convinced that I have to get ready for my 0200 turns and then my quick “lunch” and then get ready for my 04oo vitals on 13 patients and daily weights and empty out all the urinals and foleys for I’s and O’s before 0500. Let’s just say, this work weekend was craycray and I KO’d hard after work and now I’m wide awake.
But as I sit here I keep thinking about life and living and whether or not I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing or if I’m doing the complete opposite. I wonder if I’m growing and changing into a better person. I wonder if my patients feel how much I care for them in those brief moments that I spend with them. I wonder if the sacrifices I’m making with my commute to work will be worth it in the end. I’m wondering if I’m a good friend or if I’m becoming that friend that I’ve come to resent. I keep wondering and wondering about all these things. That’s just the tip of the crazy ice berg in my mind and so of course, I’m exhausted.
But wait, there’s more 😛 I found out my schedule for the residency and it looks like I’m gonna be working weekends on day shift for about 6 weeks. That means I’m missing 6 weeks of church, one of which is Easter service. I’ve never missed church more than once a month. Of the 52 weeks of the year, I think I can confidently say that I’ve never skipped more than 5 services a year for the entire time I’ve grown up and gone to church. So to skip 6 in a row? That’s really pressing hard on my conscience. I’m so thankful for this opportunity and I’m pretty confident that this is where God wants me to be right now. But to skip church? That bothers me so much. I’m thinking of all the alternatives, listening to podcasts, going to Quarter Life again, things like that. But if you go to church and love going, sitting in your car and listening to a message is completely different from attending the service and really feeling the presence of God in a holy place.
I guess I’ll pray about it some more. I definitely need another quiet time adventure and I think I’m gonna make sure I have one this week 🙂