I’m not 100% sure why, but I feel like I’m always in a rush. I’m in a rush at work to finish all the things I need to do and make sure that I accomplish absolutely everything I can in 12 hours for every single one of my patients – and if I can get a chance, for my co-workers. I’m in a rush to gain clinical experience so that I can be on my way onto the next chapter in my career so that I can make a bigger difference to more people on a completely different platform. I’m in a rush to cross off this never ending checklist of things I’m convinced I need to do to have a meaningful and fulfilling life, and here I am, realizing that I’m burning myself out and trying way too hard.
I know, what kind of backwards logic is this, that I would think that working too hard has become such a bad thing? Well, even though I can say that these experiences have somehow molded me into a slightly better version of myself, I can’t help but think that I’m missing the entire picture. “Enjoy the moment.” That’s what they say. You speed through life, sometimes with too much ambition and you eventually end up right where you want to be, but at the same time, you feel like you’re missing something. And that’s exactly what I think I’m starting to miss, that “moment.”
There is no other way to explain this, and I myself have difficulty articulating this confusion that my mind is going through. But to be entirely cliche, let’s just say that sometimes the journey is much more meaningful than the destination.
I don’t want to have regrets in my life. And as I diligently reflect on my present emotion, I feel like I’m taking a couple steps towards that place. There’s something going on that feels right, but at the same time feels wrong. I feel like in my efforts to want to prove something, to myself and to those around me, I’m failing at being present. And what I mean is instead of being fully in the moment, my mind is elsewhere. When I’m with my patient, my mind is on the next step and the next patient I need to see. When I’m with my friends, I’m thinking of something else that I should do. I’m always in a rush, and for me, I know that doing this has so many negative repercussions.
I think that I’ve developed this checklist mentality. I’ve got to do this. I need to do that. What’s the next step? How will doing this get me closer to my goal? When I’m with my patients, I know that the quality of my practice and my sincerity towards my patients is muddied by my clear desire to be extraordinarily efficient. Instead of being that compassionate, ever present nurse that I wish I could be, I become a robot.
In addition to all of this, I’ve realized that in my haste to be that super-nurse that I aspire to be, I’m actually growing to be the opposite. I’m not developing relationships with my co-workers. I’m not having any therapeutic communication with my patients. Even though I’m growing skills-wise, I’m so hyper-focused on being clinically competent that I entirely miss the part about growing the heart of a real nurse.
Yeah, you’re finally steady on your feet after a few months of being on your own. You’ve developed some confidence, just enough for your charge’s to trust you and your patients as well. But how the heck did you get here?
Yes, you’re able to handle a basic 5-list of patients or you’re able to handle 3 intermediate total care patients. Yes, you can argue/clarify orders with the new interns, correct their mistakes, finish all your assessments, education and careplans with 10 minutes to spare for a quick coffee break. You can do all of that. But you sprinted through your med passes and didn’t even get a chance to talk to your patient who you could tell has been wanting a normal conversation, void of medical questions. You, in your effort to finish all your documentation, didn’t get to talk to your co-workers, besides the occasional, “I need a waste!” or “Can you co-sign this insulin with me?” You, in your rush to get everything done, totally missed part of what makes nursing, nursing. And now, you’re here looking back at all the patients that missed a better experience because you were so much in a rush to get things off your checklist done.
I really need to work on being present. Not just with my patients or my co-workers, but mostly for myself. Just like how I am at work, I’m always thinking of what’s next in my life. I need to trust that God has everything worked out for me and that I don’t always need to know what’s next. I need to trust that whatever plan I think I have for myself, God’s plan is ten times better. I need to be more vulnerable to God’s will, I need to let go of the need to have one hundred percent control, and I need to work on being fully present, for the sake of my patients, my family, and for myself.
In any case, I’m content with how much I have grown and I appreciate that I have the state of mind to at least acknowledge that I still need to change my method and attitude and continue to improve not just as a nurse, but also as an individual. I’m glad that I’m still committed to my core value of self-improvement and reflection and that ever constant pursuit of humility and inner change. I’ve been challenged in many ways and I’m just happy that I’m using – or at least trying to use – every opportunity and every thought to grow into the person that I believe God wants to be.
Maybe that’s what it is. I’m in a rush to be that person that God wants me to be. Huh. Epiphany. I’ll leave this thought for the next post though. This one’s long enough 🙂