Sometimes, I feel really out of place. I don’t feel like I think the same way as everyone or act the same. My priorities are different. My goals are different. My outlook on life are different.
I often struggle and it’s made me feel extremely isolated. Case in point, my friends. Err… I mean friend. Isn’t that crazy? I only have one friend. Lot of acquaintances and a lot of co-workers. Lots of family. But only one person that I feel like I can trust and rely on when it comes to figuring out this sometimes complicated thing called life.
Point number 2. I struggle with the label of being quiet. In the beginning I was a bit arrogant about it. So what if I’m quiet? That’s just me. How can I change me?? But now I think, gosh, do you really need to be so quiet? Don’t be so scared. Trust a little. Change a little.
Now, I’m 25.
25.
Official quarter life crisis in motion.
I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I can blame a lot of things for that. But they’re really all just excuses. And for the first time, I feel really scared to be alone. But I don’t want to rush into anything I don’t think I’m ready for.
I still feel like I have so much to do before I start any of that though. I’m really happy with my career as a nurse and I feel extremely passionate about it. There’s a lot I want to contribute to as a nurse, and I’m really excited to keep growing in my role. I take advantage of all of my educational opportunities and I work really hard when I’m on the floor. I feel like I’ve gained a lot of respect from my co-workers and that has motivated me to be even better. I want to keep going to school and expand my role.
With my family, I feel like I’m being held back. Not because I feel like I’m responsible for taking care of them and planning out how I can support them…that is a whole other story… but because I feel like they don’t want me to be successful. It’s like, I feel like their sentiments are, yes! Go, go, go. We support you. But don’t go too far, don’t go past this line. And the last thing I want to do is limit what I can do. I’ve always believed that God has this super awesome plan for me and I don’t want to settle in my life. I don’t. With relationships, it’s the same. Yes! Go, go, go. But make sure he’s this, this, and this. That is a definite no-no. And if you get married, we’re living with you. Well that leaves, uhhh… no one?
What I’m having a hard time with now is figuring out if everything I’m doing is what I want and what God wants. I don’t have any reason to doubt God’s plan for me and it’s driving me nuts that all of this is causing so much anxiety when it shouldn’t. Because if I take the time to reflect, God has laid out this awesome life for me. I have a loving family. I have a career that is fulfilling. I have a church that I love. I have no reason to doubt. I have a great life.
A little conflicted, huh? It’s harder cuz I can’t talk about this to anyone. I feel like I can’t, at least. Every struggle has been on my own and I’ve never been able to talk about me to anyone. It’s always me listening.
I’m definitely different, huh? I’m probably understating that.
*sigh*
This is one of those unnecessary crises that I’ve brought on to myself.
So what’s next? Relationships? Career? Family?
*sigh*
Stay tuned for the next mental breakdown of an overthinking, overly cautious, over board, crazy lady.