It’s a brand new month.
Finally.
This entire month has been a tremendous struggle. I’ve never had to deal with so many things happening all at once and it’s been crazy on the inside. To deal with it all alone, to feel like no one has a clue with what you’re dealing with… and then to feel like the ones you usually count on in times like these are a bit distant… I literally felt like running away. It never hurt so much to feel so alone.
So let’s just start off with work. Cuz it’s kinda a big thing to me right now. I had the worst shifts I have ever experienced since the beginning of my nursing career. I think it was about 5 tough shifts in a row with me on my feet for almost the entire 12 hours. The topper to the crappy shifts? My patient passing away at shift change after a whole day of playing catch up and goose chasing with nuc med and cardiac lab. As a nurse, death is to be expected. Busy-ness is to be expected. But sometimes, you just think that there could have been something that you missed that could have prevented it all. You blame yourself, because that’s the first thing you think about… “They should’ve repositioned more cautiously, she was still recovering from sepsis and she has CHF. They should’ve waited for me before starting the procedure. They should’ve done this… and that…” You know. The patient was already declining. Death was in her imminent future. But I can’t get the thought out that she was someone’s mother… she died alone… she could’ve been more comfortable… I could’ve made this situation better. This is my first patient death. My patient. I can still remember my first code so vividly and I know this is going to be tattooed in my mind for the rest of my career.
At the same time, I’m in grad school. Yay!
It’s been so hard. So, so hard. The expectations are greater, the stakes are higher, and when you’re working full time and traveling 50 miles one way, you’re either battling mental fatigue, physical fatigue, emotional fatigue, or all of the above, like what I’m feeling right now. Also, I failed my pharm exam. But it’s not that I failed it. It’s because of how much effort I put into studying, and then the outcome is still failure. Discouragement is not even the emotion I’m feeling. It’s like disappointment, and doubt, and a crapload of fear. I don’t know what to do to improve and I don’t even have the time to think about it. I’m questioning whether or not I’m ready to be an educator when I can’t even pass my tests. How good of a teacher can I be if this is where I’m at right now???
After all of this, I get an email. I had been hearing rumors of it, and she had been hinting towards it, but didn’t want to confirm quite yet… but my manager gave her notice that she would be leaving our hospital. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I could not stop crying. I’m really close with my manager. She’s my mentor, role-model, and I think of her like a big sister. She’s had my back since I started as a new grad and she’s listened to me vent, she’s helped me get through some of my hardest days as a nurse, and she’s been supportive of advancing my career, whether it’s giving me a new project to work on or helping me get classes in to build up my resume. I literally had not even thought about what it would be like to not have her as a manager, and it suddenly uprooted so much fear and uncertainty. Because there is no way that there would be anyone who could be as good as her, there wouldn’t be anyone else who could understand me like her, and I don’t know if there would be anyone as genuinely concerned about me they way she was.
That feeling, the one of being alone. It was magnified 10x in that moment. I still carry that empty feeling in my chest. I feel like everyone is leaving me. It felt like they were all pulling away a piece of me and all I had was this hollow feeling.
It’s so selfish though, isn’t it?
As I reflect on all of this, I know exactly what I’m supposed to think and what I should stop thinking. But my heart isn’t as quick as my mind. It’s taking me a while to really believe, “Sash – it’s not your fault. You did all that you could, the best way that you could. She’s resting now, let’s let her be.” or “Hey, you’ll be fine. You’re gonna adjust, you’re gonna study a little harder, and a lot better for the next one because you know a little more about what his questions look like. Stay disciplined.” or this one: “You’ve been blessed with an amazing mentor. She’s been amazing, but it’s been your efforts and attitude that have brought you to this point in your career. You will still keep moving forward. The shoulders you’re standing on will always be there for you and they’ve said that time and time again. Right now, it’s time to show your support and love for her. Let her pursue her dreams, let her do what she wants to do. This is God’s plan for her, and this is God’s plan for you.”
These are the 3 big things majorly bugging me right now. There are a few other things that I don’t even wanna touch. But everything happening all at once has been overwhelming. I know for a fact no one knows what I’m going through. And I’m literally scared that if I even try venting to friends that they won’t empathize with me. The second worst feeling I’ve ever felt was that. Holding something in, someone noticing that’s something’s bothering me, me telling them, and then them telling me, “Oh, that was it?” That one hurt a lot for a long time.
But, like I said in the beginning, it’s a new month. I’m gonna adjust. Things will be different, but it’s okay. It’s okay.