Graduation is coming up super fast 🙂
Well, the nerves haven’t gone away and I’m just anxious-excited-scared-hopeful-happy that this day has finally come. But a new set of emotions have creeped up behind me and I can’t help but feel a bit sad. I actually feel like I’ve put off these feelings for a long time and have hidden under all the stresses of nursing school and life. And then all of a sudden, just like today, it hits me, real hard, and I don’t know quite what to do with it all.
It started when the officers for our class were trying to figure out seating arrangements for our Pinning Ceremony. So of course, I automatically thought, Mommy, Daddy, and CJ. I don’t really want anyone else there, at least, I don’t think so. But then, I started thinking of all the people I wish could be there. I guess I didn’t realize how sad I was about this until I talked to Lola and she was saying how much she wished she could come see me at my graduation. Or when I started thinking about how much I wish Auntie Ruby could have come to see me. I started crying pretty hard at the thought that the people I cared most about, would not be there with me to celebrate this very important day in my life. I promise you I’m not one to cry often, although with this blog you would think otherwise, but it really felt really raw for me to feel these emotions, and it’s definitely not something that’s easy to get over.
You see these people, no matter how far they are from me physically, I have kept them with me in my mind, and not to sound cheesy, but I’ve kept them in my heart throughout this difficult journey. I remember my first breakdown in nursing school. I was able to recover because I didn’t want to let my family down. And in my second breakdown, I was able to realize just how much I really wanted to be a nurse, and I really found out why I actually wanted to be one. Of course, thinking about my family is what lead to that epiphany.
With all these episodes, I have really put family in my heart to motivate and strengthen me when I couldn’t feel like I could get back up and work harder. I don’t know why, but my family has given me a different kind of strength and a different feeling of motivation. It’s more of a, “I want to make them proud,” more than a, “I don’t want to let them down” kind of feeling. But even that description doesn’t cover all of what I feel about this whole predicament… I really have not realized how much these individuals mean to me, or maybe I’m just in denial. But I so deeply wish that they could be there with me to celebrate such a milestone in my life. I wish I could have the chance to show them that they have reason to be proud of me, and that this really is just the beginning of more celebrations. I didn’t realize how much I miss them. How much I wish that we could all just be on the same continent at least. But I know they’re happy for me. I know how much they all love me. And I just wish I could show them how much I love them.