Almost done with my residency 🙂
Even though I’m scared to be on my own in a couple of weeks, I am sooooo ready to start working on my own. I’ve scheduled myself onto my favorite unit and for the few times I’m off that unit, I’ve made sure to work at the same time as my other co-workers 😛 Who gets to do that? I do 🙂 Perks of being a float nurse in a chronically understaffed hospital!
You know, the more I work, the more I get better. The more I work, the more I realize that there’s still sooooo much more that I need to know and figure out. Each day I work, the more I realize that I’m in the right place. Is that bad? To admit that I’m kinda sorta happy? Yeah? Yeah, I low key think so too. The only reason I hesitate to admit it is because of the new found sense of superstition in me as a nurse. Saying things are good preemptively often will result in the complete opposite. For example, you never ever say it’s quiet on the floor. NEVER. Because that next admit’s gonna be a train wreck, and it’s gonna be yours, and you’re gonna want to pull your hair out and cry in the bathroom because that train wreck is also a full code. You never say that you patient list is okay when it’s only 12 and you’re taking a rare break. My co-worker said this and literally one minute later, the secretary comes into the breakroom and tells her, “Hey your patient in room one is tachycardic in the 150’s, anxious, taking off her gown and trying to get out of bed”. So when I hesitate to say I’m in a good place, I hesitate because I don’t want to jinx myself 😛
Out of all of this joy I’m feeling in my career comes a sense of peace. It was unexpected, because I’ve been so unsure and carried that tiny sense of doubt with me throughout this whole process. Working is hard. Nursing is hard. Almost a third of my patients have been discharged to palliative and hospice care. That only became hard for me to swallow after the fact… after I had a chance to think about my whole day and say to myself, gosh that person probably isn’t even going to make it to Christmas. I hope I did everything I could for him or her… I’m still scared to walk in to the hospital and find out my patient list, if I can handle it, if I’m working with people that are gonna help me out… I’m still scared, period.
But my naive optimism and my serious desire to help others and get better each and every day still supersede these fears. All my preceptors tell me, wow, you’re confident for a new grad. I think to myself, if I were a patient, I wouldn’t want a nurse who had doubt in herself. They also tell me all these good things, and all I can think of is, okay that’s great, but how can I get better… how could I have made this day a little better and smoother? They all told me too, you’re gonna be fine on your own, you’re already a great nurse. My favorite charge ran into me and my preceptor the other day and she told me, what? You’re still working with a preceptor? You’re good on your own. I could tell the second week I worked with you that you would be fine. So much ego boosts!!
This is the kind of environment I’m working in. I’ve never felt so supported and encouraged as much as I have here. It’s such the complete opposite of what I felt only six months ago. This is why, even though I’m scared and am almost overwhelmed at work, I still want to go to work. This is why I’m so happy… and it’s not a bad thing at all.