It’s a new year again. After many failed resolutions, a difficult 2018, and a fuzzy future, I decided to look at the new year slightly different. The theme? New Year, Know You. The “You” takes on a double meaning, alluding to the “You” which is me, and the “You” which is God.
I have accomplished many goals that I thought would take a little longer to complete and this past year, despite being very proud of my accomplishments, I found myself very lost and a bit disappointed. I thought that I would be something or someone else after accomplishing my nursing goals, I thought I would be a better person or a better nurse. I didn’t feel either. So my next step is shaping me into a stronger and more confident me. I really believe that I’ve always known what kind of person I am, what I stand for, and who I want to be. While it is a slow back and forth process, I do believe that day by day I get closer to what I envision myself to be. So while it isn’t really a new goal, I want to get back to reinforcing and strengthening the “me” that I know I am. Not the Sasha I think people want to be, but the Sasha I have always been, but have been too insecure to share to the world. I turn 28 this year and I feel like this whole time, I’ve lived for everyone else and this past year, I broke down a lot and realized that I was tired of being that person. I got a few chances to take care of myself, but this year, this year is for me.
The second part of this is reconnecting with God. Last fall, I got a wake up call from God to snap out of the feelings I held on to and to move on and let go. It hurt a lot. What I had to let go of, who I had to let go of, all of the feelings I kept with me – I let it all go because it was hurting me more than it was hurting anyone else. Time and time again, God rescues me from my own thoughts and carries me through a dark place into a new place that is a little better and brighter. I’ve joined a bible study at church and I’ve connected with several people who I hope can keep me grounded in my faith and maybe even take me to a place I haven’t been yet. My prayer life, while not the best, is getting slightly better and because of it I feel myself lighter, in every sense of the word. I really want to know Him more in a new way and I know that He’s been waiting a long time for me.
I write these new year reflections a lot and I promise myself a lot of change. While I don’t always feel the transformation, I do know that I am not the same person and while it’s crazy slow sometimes, I do see that I grow into a better person every year. Here’s to new adventures, new challenges, and new revelations for a brand new year.