The other day while working, a patient I had been caring for stopped me and said, “you look so sad.”
It caught me by surprise and I was completely embarrassed. “Oh no, that’s just my face,” I joke to her, “I have a pretty serious looking resting face, but I’m not sad.”
She replied saying, “Oh okay. You should smile more, you’re more pretty when you smile.”
That whole day and the few days after I made extra attempts to be “smiley and happy looking.”
It still bothers me that she had said that and for whatever reason it may be, I guess it bothers me that I can be so transparent with what I feel, especially nowadays.
Is Sasha sad? hahaha 😛
The honest answer? Yes.
Why? I have no clue. At least, it’s not something I’m fully ready to explore. If I reflect on my life, family, accomplishments, blahblahblah, I have absolutely no reason to be sad. And yet, for the past few years, moreso in the past few months, waking up has been a dragging feeling and I find myself finding ways to motivate myself, in an almost desperate manner. I sleep a little more. I eat a little less. Other days I completely binge. I want to talk about it, but I don’t want to burden anyone or have anyone reject or minimize the feelings I am so clearly feeling.
This vicious cycle is a bit more vicious this time around and I’ve been contemplating on finding someone to help me. I’ve tried all the natural ways to brighten my mood like getting outdoors, working out, finding alone time to reflect… I even tried floating! It’s a deprivation therapy that supposedly helps with meditation and improving mood. Yes, please don’t judge me lol.
In any case, this is something that is worrying me and I haven’t quite figured out my next step. That’s why I’ve drowned myself with work, because at least if I’m busy, I don’t have to think about all of that. I realize that that’s probably not the best way to deal with it, but it’s what I’m doing in the meantime.
I guess I’ll have to work on my poker face a bit more. I know avoiding this isn’t the healthiest way to deal with this and I know it’s something I’ll have to deal with soon. I’m writing this and I’m seeing how much in denial I am about all the self inflicted pain I’ve caused myself. I’ll confront this soon. I’ll consider today my first step towards that.