As I smugly look back at the summer I have experienced so far, there are too many instances that have brought such joy to my heart. Such a warmth should be experienced by all, because it is such a motivating and encouraging feeling. But of course, the pendulum swings both ways, for as much warmth as I have felt, I have also felt a brief coldness and darkness.
There have been many firsts. And these bring smiles to my face even as I think of them right now. First best friends. First road trip. Family outings. Mini adventures. Foodie getaways. I feel as if nothing could bring me more happiness. I have closed myself to these experiences for so long. Maybe it’s because of a lack of trust within myself, or a lack of trust with the past people around me. Nevertheless, my walls have been breaking down and the thought of it is bringing an immense feeling of hesitancy as the insecurities I have developed have instilled in me a kind of defense mechanism that is making me draw back quickly. It scares me because I can’t take anything back. I’ve opened myself up already. My best friends, they know too much already and what I am feeling, this awkward coldness and darkness that is weirdly creeping up on me, again, I don’t know if its a defense mechanism, or an intuition that something wrong is going to happen soon. Either way, it is eating me up inside at a perpetually rapid rate.
I’m not ready for things to change. I know I have already opened and welcomed my mind to the possibility of change, but it still worries me. Again, this is a first for me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I am so against the idea of this change. And as this is occurring, I feel I am in darkness. I can’t see what’s ahead. I don’t know who’s behind me, in front of me… I don’t know who’s right next to me. It’s difficult. Where is my place in all of this? Do I even have a place at all?
So why the RAWR? Rawr is what I am feeling at the moment. RAWR, I don’t know what to do. RAWR, why do I feel this way. RAWR. Make it all go away. RAWR is the only sound I can make to express the frustration I am feeling because I can’t predict what is going to happen. All I can hope is that this epic summer of firsts doesn’t end in another catastrophic first… I’ve been through this before. If it happens again, I’m not sure I can recover… seeing as I haven’t yet recovered from my other ones…