I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it is that is pushing me so hard to work so much. Why am I so fixed on accomplishing this long list of goals? Why do I want to? What do I get out of it when I finish?
I was talking to my dad about this because I’ve been complaining of feeling down… but what if all this depression is self-inflicted? That brought me back to thinking about why it is I want to have so many things done in such a short period of time.
It was my 5 year goal to have my Master’s degree, to be specialized as a nurse, to be a preceptor and to rise one level in my clinical ladder. It’s been 3 years and I’m set to accomplish all that I’ve set myself up to be by next year. But now I’m thinking, now what? Is it worth it? Have you changed? Are you better or worse that when you first started out?
This begs the question of whether my ambition (more of an insecurity, really) has made me a better or worse person. Because today, if you asked me how I feel about it, I’m almost indifferent. It’s almost as if, ahh it’s expected that you do all these things, it’s not that impressive. Or even, wow that’s a pretty good list of accomplishments, but what’s next then?
I’ve convinced myself that doing all these things would have made me “better.” But now I’m doubtful because in my mind, my emotions are so polarized. I’m so proud of myself, at the same time, I’m so exhausted that I don’t know if I even want to do any more than what I’ve already done.
What motivated me in the past was fear. I was scared that I wouldn’t be a good nurse so I took every chance, every class, every opportunity to talk to experienced people to raise myself to their level or to exceed it. Even if I was already feeling tired, I didn’t care because I have always been the type of person to put in the work at all costs. And now, I’m paying for it.
After a couple of years of working, I already know that I’m a good nurse. I have yet to meet someone who works harder than me. I don’t ever want fear to motivate me ever again and now I have to think about what it is that is going to motivate me to move forward from this point. It’s always been like that. It’s always been fear. Fear of failing. Fear of being incompetent. Fear of disappointing loved ones. That seriously needs to change.
It’s frustrating. I’m the only one thinking about all this. I’m the only one putting this on myself. And now, I don’t even know what it is that will continue to positively motivate me other than the values that I’ve always made important in my life. I seriously just want time to myself but even when I make the time to do so, there’s still something holding myself back.
I think I sighed a hundred times while writing this hahaha It’s a heavy subject and I’m writing it with a heavy heart and a heavy mind. But this talk is just leading me towards resolving this and hopefully it will lead to a healthier me. Hopefully.