If you couldn’t tell, I really like the work I do. I love being a nurse and I can’t imagine doing anything else in my life. I love the challenge, I love the science, I love that I know I’m making a difference. That being said, the thought that I love this work so much scares me sometimes. What if I got hurt and couldn’t be a nurse anymore? What if some freak event ended with me losing my license? What would happen to me if the one thing that makes up such a big part of my identity – was gone?
I recently started reading Tao Te Ching. It’s a book about Taoism which is a Chinese philosophy (I’ve been reading a lot about these minimalist philosophies – Baghavad Gita and Marcus Aurelius’ Stoicism are a couple more that I’m looking into too). It’s been helping me realize that I need to be less attached to things like this… There was a couple things in just the first two chapter that left a really big impression (it also made me really confused because it is too meta):
“Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever.”
Huh? What?! Let it simmer and marinate for a bit and let that wisdom slap you in the face. LOL. It is humbling to know that as good as I think I am as a nurse, it doesn’t mean a thing. And I’m okay with that – now. I liked to believe that when I work, I do it without any expectation or reward. I “do good for the sake of doing good,” a seed of thought that was planted in my philosophy class during undergrad. But yeah, I am burned out by the work I do and my work ethic is to give 110% to my patients all the time. So, when they say thank you or something like that, it strokes the ego and I crave it again for motivation to do the same, if not higher quality of work that I do. That thought becomes a slippery slope that perpetuates a mindset that seeks approval and strengthens the attachment I have for my work… and pretty soon, the very innocent thought of wanting to the best for my work at all times for my patients, slowly becomes an unhealthy identity I create for myself… that if my patients think I’m a good nurse, that means I’m a good person… that if my boss thinks I’m a good nurse, I’m a good person… that if my colleagues think I’m a good nurse, I’m a good person. As a highly self-critical person, just imagine what a small misstep can do for my ego. You made a mistake, you’re a bad nurse. You fell short and couldn’t fulfill that commitment you said you’d do for your boss, you’re a bad nurse. And if you’re a bad nurse, you’re a bad person.
All this is self inflicted pain because I I told myself that my actions are a representation of the kind of person that I am. In reality, even from the start, I was already a good person. If I had believed that from the beginning and didn’t get attached to the mindset that I needed to perform and act and EARN that “status” and label from others, maybe things could’ve been better for my mental health.
The idea that I get overly attached not only to my work, but other things like people and things, has continuously been a theme in my life. It’s been a downfall and cause of pain for a lot of things and I guess I haven’t learned after all this time. I have convinced myself that it’s okay, that if I get hurt it’s not a big deal as long as others are okay – and maybe I was blind to it in the beginning, but now I’m completely defeated and exhausted in the worst ways possible.
“She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.”
I am not yet at that point, and I’m realizing that I have to change so much and do so much, just like I always realize. I’m praying that this time around I finally understand how I need to think and act so that I can take care of myself in the best way possible.