Today. *sigh* I don’t feel like myself lately. I feel like days have been harder than usual and it’s like I’m dragging something everywhere I go. It’s hard to say, but there are times where I struggle to find things to be grateful for. It’s even harder to motivate myself to do anything too. do you know that feeling? it’s like an out of body experience where you are looking down at yourself and you can see everything that you’re doing and everything that you want to change, and yet there’s something that’s blocking you from going back into your body to fix everything you’re seeing. What’s left is the frustration of not being able to change, and at the same time that feeling of ignorance, where you don’t even realize everything that’s going on and everything that you’re feeling. All you feel is empty and hollow, like something inside you is missing. Existential crisis? Part 2? I need to get my hormones checked lol I don’t feel good at all and I don’t know what to do about it all 🙁
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2016
Among all the experiences I’ve had in 2016, I am deeply humbled by what I’ve been through. I’ve never cried so much in one year hahaha But I’ve had lots of amazing experiences, crazy loads of challenges, and new blessings in the form of friends that have become family. Just as I started my 2016, I hope I can start 2017 with the same prayer… that I never forget to praise God when He blesses me, and that in the same way, I never forget to praise Him for the trials and challenges that come my way… because every experience builds me up and brings me closer to where God wants me to be, and ultimately, no matter how much I plan for myself, His plan for me is better than anything I can even begin to imagine. No matter how I see it, I am so humbled and grateful for what God has done for me this year. I still don’t feel I deserve any of it. But I’m thankful for all of it and will continue to live my life to serve my God.
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Rest
Yesterday, I got a chance to recharge a little bit. I went to my favorite spot, Wayfarer’s Chapel in Rancho Palos Verdes. Got a little time to think, pray, and clear my mind. Spent a little time thanking God too. I thought I had a good handle on my life lol But the more I wake up each day, the more I realize that there’s more I want to do and the more I want to do, the more stressful it is on me… which translates to being a complete and utter mess! I have always embraced challenges. I know that if I do not struggle, adjust, and overcome, my life would be stagnant. The last thing I want to do is be stagnant or mediocre when I have a God and family who are looking to me to be great. I always want to be growing and learning and working on being the best version of myself, even if it kills me. I’m juggling quite a few things and I feel my patience isn’t the same as it used to be 😛 With people I know, I’m short fused. I find that I am no longer empathetic to the…
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All Time Low
It’s a brand new month. Finally. This entire month has been a tremendous struggle. I’ve never had to deal with so many things happening all at once and it’s been crazy on the inside. To deal with it all alone, to feel like no one has a clue with what you’re dealing with… and then to feel like the ones you usually count on in times like these are a bit distant… I literally felt like running away. It never hurt so much to feel so alone. So let’s just start off with work. Cuz it’s kinda a big thing to me right now. I had the worst shifts I have ever experienced since the beginning of my nursing career. I think it was about 5 tough shifts in a row with me on my feet for almost the entire 12 hours. The topper to the crappy shifts? My patient passing away at shift change after a whole day of playing catch up and goose chasing with nuc med and cardiac lab. As a nurse, death is to be expected. Busy-ness is to be expected. But sometimes, you just think that there could have been something that you missed that…
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Crossroads
I’m coming to that point again where I reflect on my life and reconstruct and rebuild what I want for myself. It’s something I know that I do often because I have this fear that I might disappoint God if I ever make the mistake of being selfish in my actions and do something that only I want to do. There are a lot of distractions for me right now and there’s a lot of, “Why am I still tolerating this?” There’s a lot of, why aren’t you a little better, why are you so slow, what excuse are you going to give yourself next? I’m in the last quarter of being 25 and I don’t know that I’ve done what I’ve wanted to do… It’s disappointing and I’m extremely upset. What makes this slightly more difficult is that I don’t know anyone I can vent about this to, I feel very much alone. I remember, a few days ago, after work, I drove home crying. I felt overwhelmed, and as I prayed to God as I do sometimes after work, I couldn’t handle all of the thoughts that were bombarding me. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough… at…