So! I’m at Revolver cafe here in Vancouver. It’s in Gastown and I can literally see the water as I was walking over here. I just bought a drip pour-over with local beans roasted from Victoria and a homemade raspberry coffee cake. I love the coffee cake! It’s crumbly, but the cake itself is moist and soft – AND not too sweet. The tart raspberry flavor at the end is just right, too. I am pleased with my order lol. The coffee is a bit on the acidic end, something I don’t really like most of the time. But I kind of like it. The undernotes are more my type, which is the nutty, roasty flavor. I haven’t quite found this combination out in LA since most of the acidic types are more on the fruity undertone end. The walk over here was COLD! As in I felt my face and I’m sure my brain is experiencing some type of hypothermia because it’s hard to move my legs! As I got to the cafe, I was crazy relieved to finally get here cuz I don’t know how much further I could’ve walked. The whole vibe of this cafe is the…
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What Motivates You? Part II
Just a couple of weeks ago I briefly talked about what has been posing as my motivation for my ambition as a nurse. The notion of “why” was like a bothersome fly hovering around my face for what has felt like ages, and even today, that fly is still tirelessly buzzing around my head. I started class again this week for my final year of graduate school. Guess what’s the title of my education class’s main text reading? “Understanding Motivation.” I still don’t know why I’m doing what I’m doing. In many ways, it seems like this notion of being busy and being kept busy by “ambition” is what society deems as the norm. I hate to say it but it’s almost like I don’t even want to do anything anymore and have lost sight of what is important to me. If I were to be honest with myself, I’m so so tired. In the beginning of all of this, I always tried to find rest so that I would never feel depleted and my energy would consistently be repleted. But here I am. Two and a half years into my career and I’m fighting the ideas that I am…
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Nurse’s Touch
I was giving report to the next nurse. I gave her a mini warning that this person can be temperamental and labile in their mood, but it’s nothing you can’t talk them out of. That nurse’s first question? “Do we have any medication to calm her down?” I drove home thinking about that and it disappointed me. This wasn’t the first time I heard it, but it was different this time because it came from a new nurse. You hear stories about how nurses are supposed to provide that caring touch that no one else in the hospital provides. And at least for me, I’m not in the habit of using medication as my first line in situations like that. I still believe in therapeutic communication, no matter how laughable it was to all of us in nursing school. Because the mindset is #aintnobodygottimeforthat. It’s unfortunate that we live in a generation where quick fixes are the go to for problems that have deeper roots – in life and in the hospital. It’s sad that as nurses, we sometimes rely on these quick fixes just so that our shift goes a little smoother too. It’s horrible that workflow can’t function…
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What Motivates You?
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it is that is pushing me so hard to work so much. Why am I so fixed on accomplishing this long list of goals? Why do I want to? What do I get out of it when I finish? I was talking to my dad about this because I’ve been complaining of feeling down… but what if all this depression is self-inflicted? That brought me back to thinking about why it is I want to have so many things done in such a short period of time. It was my 5 year goal to have my Master’s degree, to be specialized as a nurse, to be a preceptor and to rise one level in my clinical ladder. It’s been 3 years and I’m set to accomplish all that I’ve set myself up to be by next year. But now I’m thinking, now what? Is it worth it? Have you changed? Are you better or worse that when you first started out? This begs the question of whether my ambition (more of an insecurity, really) has made me a better or worse person. Because today, if you asked me how I feel about…
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Poker Face
The other day while working, a patient I had been caring for stopped me and said, “you look so sad.” It caught me by surprise and I was completely embarrassed. “Oh no, that’s just my face,” I joke to her, “I have a pretty serious looking resting face, but I’m not sad.” She replied saying, “Oh okay. You should smile more, you’re more pretty when you smile.” That whole day and the few days after I made extra attempts to be “smiley and happy looking.” It still bothers me that she had said that and for whatever reason it may be, I guess it bothers me that I can be so transparent with what I feel, especially nowadays. Is Sasha sad? hahaha 😛 The honest answer? Yes. Why? I have no clue. At least, it’s not something I’m fully ready to explore. If I reflect on my life, family, accomplishments, blahblahblah, I have absolutely no reason to be sad. And yet, for the past few years, moreso in the past few months, waking up has been a dragging feeling and I find myself finding ways to motivate myself, in an almost desperate manner. I sleep a little more. I eat…