Hello hello and Happy New Year! (Kinda late but oh well :P) I went to the Philippines this past December and had a great time with family. And for the first time, it felt like a vacation with all the adventures that we went on this time around. I’ll leave the details for another time š But what is this? Quarter life crisis? What? So, I turn 25 this Saturday. And like I always do, I’m in super reflection mode again. Have I done what I’ve wanted to do in my life so far? Where am I going next? Am I doing everything God wants me to do in my life? You know, little stuff like that. Not heavy or deep at all š In all seriousness, every time I get a chance to think like this, I am challenged to exert myself a little bit more – to step up, to grow, and to find an even greater meaning in my life. I keep looking back a little and think, did I miss out on anything? The parties, clubbing, drinking and hanging out with friends, things of that sort. Do I still want to experience things like that? I…
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My First Code
It’s been a week since I’ve had my first code at work. It’s been a week of replaying the scene in my head… of walking in and seeing my unresponsive patient… of seeing his eyes wide open and face turning blue… of desperately feeling for a pulse in his wrist and then his neck… and then his groin because that’s the strongest pulse you could feel and I desperately was hoping that what I was thinking wasn’t actually happening… of seeing his shallow and rapid breaths diminish right in front of me and seeing his face turn more blue than when Ā I first saw him… of trying to repositionĀ 200 pounds of dead weight because heĀ was in the most awkward position I’ve seen…Ā of feeling the crack of every compression that we needed so that we could maintain his circulation… of throwing my stethoscope around my neck to the corner of the room because they were swaying and hitting my body with every compression I was trying to do… of being in a room full of people, trying to be team leader of my first code… but failing because the anxiety of the whole situation was clutching and tightening my throat with…
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Nostalgia
I met up with the nursing crew the other day! It was fun š In college, I really like planning hang outs. I feel like I planned out a lot of them. I can’t really say why I stopped doing it, but part of it was that I was the only one planning these events lol At a certain point, I felt like no one was as into these get-togethers as I was and soon it was just harder and harder to get people together, with varying schedules, work, school, and a bunch of other excuses. So now I’ve lost motivation to do them at all. Why I held off on getting together with the nursing peeps is a different story… but you know what? It was total nostalgia meeting up with these people. A bunch of memories rushed in and I found myself physically shaking my head, trying to get certain memoriesĀ out, like one of those etch-a-sketch toys. At the same time it was like, I really missed these guys, I wish I had tried harder to stay close. We talked about work, or I guess they talked about work life and stuff like that. I kinda reverted to…
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In A Rush
I’m not 100% sure why, but I feel like I’m always in a rush. I’m in a rush at work to finish all the things I need to do and make sure that I accomplish absolutely everything I can in 12 hours for every single one of my patients – and if I can get a chance, for my co-workers. I’m in a rush to gain clinical experience so that I can be on my way onto the next chapter in my career so that I can make a bigger difference to more people on a completely different platform. I’m in a rush to cross off this never ending checklist of things I’m convinced I need to do to have a meaningful and fulfilling life, and here I am, realizing that I’m burning myself out and trying way too hard. I know, what kind of backwards logic is this, that I would think that working too hard has become such a bad thing? Well, even though I can say that these experiences have somehow molded me into a slightly better version of myself, I can’t help but think that I’m missing the entire picture. “Enjoy the moment.” That’s what they…
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Quiet
For the past few weeks, I’ve been driving to and from work without listening to anything. If I’m lucky, I get a sunset or sunrise view on the way home or on the way to work. But other than that, it’s just me, the car, and the road, driving at 80mph for 45 minutes without anything else to distract me. I still have a hard time taking off my nursing hat when I clock out. I hear the beeping of vital signs machines, pulse ox machines, IV pumps and the ringing of call lights even when I sleep. I’ll question whether or not I did absolutely everything I could have done in my 12 hours of working for each and every one of my patients. Sometimes I’ll imagine the sound of the phone ringing or my handphone that I use for work ringing and that has joltedĀ me up a couple of times at 4:30 in the morning even on my off days. There’s so much I think about when I work, and even after that, it seems like my brain is still set on hyper-speed. And when I’m not thinking about work, there’s a bunch of other things that keep…