If you read my other post, you’d know that I’ve been playing the piano again. I’m awful, so don’t get your hopes up 😛 It’s a little frustrating though, because my fingers are so stiff and I couldn’t even play the scales as smoothly as I used to. I can’t pick up on the technique and my fingers keep bumping into each other and getting tangled. They just do their own thing sometimes 😀 I’m trying to play a song and compose my own version of it by memorizing the chords and making my own melody. My Mom found out I’ve been practicing again, and with a song that she knows, so she always wants to sing as I play. That used to deter me from practicing, I never wanted to play the piano for people, it was always something I wanted to do for myself. That’s why I never took it seriously before, because they always expected me to play in front of everyone, and that’s why I never practiced. That’s changing now. I really do love the sound of the piano. It’s my study music, it’s something I sometimes meditate to… it’s just something that really gives me a…

I had a late night philosophical debate with the family a few years back on the topic of happiness. The question was, can you choose to be happy? For me, it was a clear YES. I have always thought that your attitude and reaction towards life is a choice, that you can choose to forgive, forget, move on and be happy, or you can dwell, dwell, dwell, and be miserable. In my opinion, happiness was something you worked on, it was not a constant, and the degree of happiness you feel fluctuated. For example, ice cream makes me happy. But seeing my grandma after 3 years makes me happy too. Which one made me happier? But according to the opposing party, if you have to choose to be happy, then the happiness you felt is not genuine happiness. They agreed that if you have a certain predisposition and attitude towards life, you are prone to feel more happy more often. But if you’re in a difficult position where you needed to make a choice, that choice you make does not make the happiness you felt real happiness because it’s not instinctive, it’s not automatic. It’s forced. I kind of had…

I think it takes a lot of courage to see the light in even the darkest circumstances. I think it’s a form of denial and in a way, a form of self protection to continually be positive and push to be positive when your whole body is being drawn so strongly to the negative. So today, I’m pushing positive. Just keep smiling. Just keep laughing. Just keep swimmin’, swimmin’, swimmin hehe like Dori 🙂 *SIGHHHHHHHHHHHH* But let’s be real for a sec here. The emotions I’m feeling are ohhhh so familiar and the anxiety I’m feeling is ohhhhh so burdensome, it’s almost painful. But in light of evident dark valley in my life, there is still so much to be thankful for, there is so much good in this world that I can be a part of, there is something great to look forward to. I’m patiently waiting for my moment, but I’m not denying that the wait is very tiring :’) I’m still applying to a lot of places, and I’ve resorted to applying to out of state hospitals. The idea of it becomes more and more exciting to me despite the resistance of my family. Starting fresh, new…

One of the easiest and hardest things to develop in any relationship is trust. It’s one of life’s paradoxes. But there are a few obvious things I want to point out… 1) Don’t be afraid to trust someone. With any person’s history, this can be extremely difficult. For me, it’s still a struggle. It’s also often a defense mechanism to put up walls for people to work to break down so that we don’t experience the hurt that we’ve felt in the past. But here’s my two cents. Don’t be afraid to trust. It is overwhelming, frustrating, and tiring putting up walls. Believe me, I’ve done it my entire life. It takes a lot of effort to maintain these walls as well. And guess what else? In a relationship where we need to extend trust, it’s not the person who extends the trust who is at fault, it is the one who breaks it… it’s the person who did not value the relationships in the first place, it’s the person who took you for granted, it’s the person who did not realize how important your trust is in the first place. So I offer this advice to comfort you and…

I was taking a really long walk today. Sometimes, when I wander off alone, I get some kind of clarity. You don’t understand how therapeutic it is for me to just all of a sudden leave my cave, feel the warm sun, and just sit somewhere pretty and just take in simple beauties that I happen to see. It’s just because…  I had one of those moments where I overthink, overthink, overthink… and then I panic and overwhelm myself with the endless possibilities I think of. I’m feeling so pressured right now. And unlike any pressure I felt like before, I can’t seem to get out of this negativity that I’m feeling. So here’s the situation: I’m still waiting for a job. And as each day goes by and as each classmate I have get offers for jobs, I’m here wondering what the heck is wrong with me. I keep going back, looking at my mistakes, thinking of all the things I wish I had done differently… maybe I should have gotten a CNA job, maybe I shouldn’t have taken on so many jobs, maybe I should have been more disciplined, maybe I should have taken more initiative to talk…