It’s reflection time with Sasha again 😛 I’ve been rereading Eckhart Tolle’s  “A Good Earth,” and in doing so I’ve been trying to get myself out of a worldly place and more into a place where I have more security with who I am and where I am in my own spirituality. It’s gotten to a point where I had to re-examine my own actions, in terms of how I spend my time, where I spend my money, and the people I stay close to. Let’s just say, I’ve disappointed myself in all areas and now I want to get my priorities lined up once again. This time though, I’m starting with myself. Why? Every action I’ve made in the past 20 years of my life has been for other people. It’s not that I tend to be self-sacrificial, but more of, I don’t want to disappoint others and their happiness pretty much is more important than mine, no matter how much I end up hurting myself. I guess that’s why it’s so easy for me to let go of things that don’t go my way… cuz rarely do things every go my way, and stay that way. And even…

End of my 2nd year in nursing. I feel like I’ve changed so much. Just looking back at how I was before, how I handled my problems, how far I pushed myself…. it’s all built up to who I am right now. I said before, that I am excited to see how much I have grown… but as life gets hard and people start to change… you can’t help but be surprised at how different life has shaped you to be. I make it sound like it’s a bad thing, but it’s really not. I feel stronger. Definitely wiser. I feel more resilient and determined. Last year I broke down hard. This year, the same thing that broke me down is not affecting me nearly as much as it did before. See? I’ve evolved 😛 I don’t know what to say about all of this, but I’m happy. I feel ready for new things.

I’m trying to change. I’m trying so hard. But right now something in me doesn’t feel quite right and I can’t pinpoint exactly what the problem is. This inner struggle I am feeling is … different. Usually, I can be objective enough about my feelings and actions to know what exactly is bothering me and what I can do to change it so that I can move forward. But this time, I can’t. The past week I’ve been so angry and frustrated and at the end of the day I’m just so tired. Dear God, I don’t know why my heart is aching so much right now. I don’t know why my mind is drawing so much negativity. I don’t understand why I’m so depressed and tired at the end of the day. But I trust that there is a reason for all of this. I know that even though I don’t know what is bothering me, I know that you do. I know that you are the only remedy to my suffering right now and I’m drawing strength from my confidence that you know what is best for me and that you are molding me into the person that…

I look into my mirror, and I see everything is different. Bright eyes are puffy and swollen from tears… they’re tired now, and the redness proves it. That open, optimistic face… it’s now long and distant from constant disappointment. And those lips, the ones constantly praying and encouraging? They are pursed closed with anger and frustration. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I changed. I’m tired and I feel fake. I can’t say what I need to say and what I feel… I feel I shouldn’t be feeling. Everything is inside me and I don’t want to let it out. I can’t get over all of this because I’ve never felt this bad before and it all makes me so angry. I wonder all the time why I feel this way. I rationalize all the possibilities and I still can’t understand why I am inflicting this pain onto myself. I can’t understand why I can’t keep better control over all this.  I’m scared. I’m mad. I feel really alone in all this. I look into my mirror, and I am sad because everything… everything is completely different.

What It Means To Be A Best Friend AUG. 30, 2012 By CHELSEA FAGAN We often take for granted how precious a thing it is to be a best friend, how many people can’t freely use that term, how many have never experienced that very particular kind of love. When you think about it, to pronounce someone in your life as being more important than all of those other friends somehow, as being on a different plane of relationship that, despite not being romantic, is still profoundly important, is incredible. So many wait for the cue from their most-beloved friend to be able to tack on the profound, terrifying modifier of “best.” Who wants to be the person who prematurely proclaims the other their one-and-only-best-friend, when they were not ready to take that leap themselves? It’s the “I love you” of platonic relationships, and to be able to securely declare that with someone is a privilege not bestowed upon everyone. But holding that title for someone else is as much about commitment and honor and respect as a romantic relationship is — it involves compromise, trust, and a mutual growth that allows certain friends to last through decades and incredible life changes. Keeping…