If you disappeared tomorrow, without a trace, without a notice, without a warning… who would look for you? Could you do it? Could you leave the life you know for a life that isn’t so secure? I was reading Francis Chan’s “Crazy Love” again and a different message hit me with a different impact. If God called you to leave your home, your friends, loved ones… your comfort zone… and brought you to a completely foreign land with no one to rely on but God himself, would you do it? If He asked you to leave without even letting anyone know, could you do it? To be completely honest, I have to say that right now, I want to. I really do. But I know that it’s easier to say it than to actually do it. Realistically, my mom would flip out. And she would totally track me down. Even if I told her I was following the will of God, I still think she would call me crazy and slap me up side the head as an instinctive reaction before realizing what exactly my actions entail. I’m sure my Dad would too. If you think about it though, isn’t our…

If there was anything superficial I could change about myself, it would be my name. See, my birth name is Alyssa Marie. And it’s not Alyssa like Alyssa Milano either, it’s Alyssa pronounced “Ah-lie-sah.” Yes, I’ve had a lifetime of correcting teachers, professors, and classmates. My co-workers called my “Eh-Lee-Sah” for a whole year too even after correcting them. At one point I totally got tired of it and started thinking that people can call me whatever the heck they want as long as they knew my face. But growing up, I’ve always been known as Sasha, and it’s the name I’ve loved and the name I fully identify with. In any typical Filipino family, nicknames are common. Usually, nicknames stem from the original name, for example, Caroline would be “Lin-Lin” and so on and so forth. But my name is seriously a stretch. My Dad told me in thinking of my nickname, he took it from the stem of my name, took the “-sa,” thought that “Sa-Sa” sounded off, and decided to just call me Sasha. Ta-Da! Like magic. If I had a choice, I wish that everyone called me Sasha. I wish my closest friends could call me…

If you read my other post, you’d know that I’ve been playing the piano again. I’m awful, so don’t get your hopes up 😛 It’s a little frustrating though, because my fingers are so stiff and I couldn’t even play the scales as smoothly as I used to. I can’t pick up on the technique and my fingers keep bumping into each other and getting tangled. They just do their own thing sometimes 😀 I’m trying to play a song and compose my own version of it by memorizing the chords and making my own melody. My Mom found out I’ve been practicing again, and with a song that she knows, so she always wants to sing as I play. That used to deter me from practicing, I never wanted to play the piano for people, it was always something I wanted to do for myself. That’s why I never took it seriously before, because they always expected me to play in front of everyone, and that’s why I never practiced. That’s changing now. I really do love the sound of the piano. It’s my study music, it’s something I sometimes meditate to… it’s just something that really gives me a…

I had a late night philosophical debate with the family a few years back on the topic of happiness. The question was, can you choose to be happy? For me, it was a clear YES. I have always thought that your attitude and reaction towards life is a choice, that you can choose to forgive, forget, move on and be happy, or you can dwell, dwell, dwell, and be miserable. In my opinion, happiness was something you worked on, it was not a constant, and the degree of happiness you feel fluctuated. For example, ice cream makes me happy. But seeing my grandma after 3 years makes me happy too. Which one made me happier? But according to the opposing party, if you have to choose to be happy, then the happiness you felt is not genuine happiness. They agreed that if you have a certain predisposition and attitude towards life, you are prone to feel more happy more often. But if you’re in a difficult position where you needed to make a choice, that choice you make does not make the happiness you felt real happiness because it’s not instinctive, it’s not automatic. It’s forced. I kind of had…

I think it takes a lot of courage to see the light in even the darkest circumstances. I think it’s a form of denial and in a way, a form of self protection to continually be positive and push to be positive when your whole body is being drawn so strongly to the negative. So today, I’m pushing positive. Just keep smiling. Just keep laughing. Just keep swimmin’, swimmin’, swimmin hehe like Dori 🙂 *SIGHHHHHHHHHHHH* But let’s be real for a sec here. The emotions I’m feeling are ohhhh so familiar and the anxiety I’m feeling is ohhhhh so burdensome, it’s almost painful. But in light of evident dark valley in my life, there is still so much to be thankful for, there is so much good in this world that I can be a part of, there is something great to look forward to. I’m patiently waiting for my moment, but I’m not denying that the wait is very tiring :’) I’m still applying to a lot of places, and I’ve resorted to applying to out of state hospitals. The idea of it becomes more and more exciting to me despite the resistance of my family. Starting fresh, new…