I look into my mirror, and I see everything is different. Bright eyes are puffy and swollen from tears… they’re tired now, and the redness proves it. That open, optimistic face… it’s now long and distant from constant disappointment. And those lips, the ones constantly praying and encouraging? They are pursed closed with anger and frustration. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I changed. I’m tired and I feel fake. I can’t say what I need to say and what I feel… I feel I shouldn’t be feeling. Everything is inside me and I don’t want to let it out. I can’t get over all of this because I’ve never felt this bad before and it all makes me so angry. I wonder all the time why I feel this way. I rationalize all the possibilities and I still can’t understand why I am inflicting this pain onto myself. I can’t understand why I can’t keep better control over all this.  I’m scared. I’m mad. I feel really alone in all this. I look into my mirror, and I am sad because everything… everything is completely different.

What It Means To Be A Best Friend AUG. 30, 2012 By CHELSEA FAGAN We often take for granted how precious a thing it is to be a best friend, how many people can’t freely use that term, how many have never experienced that very particular kind of love. When you think about it, to pronounce someone in your life as being more important than all of those other friends somehow, as being on a different plane of relationship that, despite not being romantic, is still profoundly important, is incredible. So many wait for the cue from their most-beloved friend to be able to tack on the profound, terrifying modifier of “best.” Who wants to be the person who prematurely proclaims the other their one-and-only-best-friend, when they were not ready to take that leap themselves? It’s the “I love you” of platonic relationships, and to be able to securely declare that with someone is a privilege not bestowed upon everyone. But holding that title for someone else is as much about commitment and honor and respect as a romantic relationship is — it involves compromise, trust, and a mutual growth that allows certain friends to last through decades and incredible life changes. Keeping…

Exactly one year ago, I stepped into that smelly old auditorium with my bright yellow folder in hand, fear and excitement in the other, while still holding a multitude of expectations and plans in my mind. Of course I came in with expectations, but at the same time, I had none at all. This was the beginning, and nothing had excited me nor has anything made me feel more proud of myself that sitting with that exclusive group of people. Nothing. Exactly one year ago, I was a first year nursing student. I had no idea what I was in for. Exactly one year later, I carry the same fear and excitement I held that first day of orientation. This time I feel more ready, more inspired, and more determined to prove that I can be better. Nursing, it’s hard. Nursing school has proven to be much harder. Now, I have amazing friends to support me. Now, I am motivated by a passion I don’t quite remember ever having before, and this feeling, it is a sign of change that I feel I have been missing for a while. I’m changing. I’m growing. I feel it. I am not the…

This week, I have struggled too much. There is this concept in my mind that I have struggled with ever since becoming a Christian. It is the question, am I good enough? Am I worthy? And if I am, why do I feel the opposite, all the time? I think the reason this problem is reappearing is due to the fact that I don’t feel good enough with my friends, with my studies, with my family, and especially in my faith. I don’t feel I am worth the attention my friends have given me. I don’t feel that I am working hard enough at school, which is leading me to feel inadequate as a student nurse. I don’t feel that I am giving the proper attention my family needs as I struggle to balance everything that is on my plate right now. And in my faith, despite all of the messages of worth, I still feel unworthy of the love and kindness Jesus Christ has given me. I always feel the need to earn it, even though it has been graciously given, even before I accepted Christ. This recurring struggle I have made its way into my prayers again. I…

As I smugly look back at the summer I have experienced so far, there are too many instances that have brought such joy to my heart. Such a warmth should be experienced by all, because it is such a motivating and encouraging feeling. But of course, the pendulum swings both ways, for as much warmth as I have felt, I have also felt a brief coldness and darkness. There have been many firsts. And these bring smiles to my face even as I think of them right now. First best friends. First road trip. Family outings. Mini adventures. Foodie getaways. I feel as if nothing could bring me more happiness.  I have closed myself to these experiences for so long. Maybe it’s because of a lack of trust within myself, or a lack of trust with the past people around me. Nevertheless, my walls have been breaking down and the thought of it is bringing an immense feeling of hesitancy as the insecurities I have developed have instilled in me a kind of defense mechanism that is making me draw back quickly. It scares me because I can’t take anything back. I’ve opened myself up already. My best friends, they…